


If you loved me (why'd you leave me)

by Starheda



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anya & Lexa (The 100) Are Siblings, Artist Clarke Griffin, Clexa Week 2018, College, College Students Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, also i dont know who to put with octavia so bear with me, also this is pretty trashy, clarke loves lexa so she breaks up with finn, flarke is canon for a little bit so yeah, lexa is clueless af
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-01 12:54:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13998768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starheda/pseuds/Starheda
Summary: If there were five things Clarke was sure about in that moment in time, it was that1. She was hungry.2. She was failing her midterms and spiralling down into some mental breakdown.3. She wanted to sleep.4. She was also extremely thirsty.5. And that she was still completely and utterly in love with her ex best friend.





	1. The Unfortunate Start To A New Chapter

**Author's Note:**

> OOft this is my first fanfic don't kill me too harshly and also there prolly will be smut cos I love me some dirty action :). Enjoy this trash

Clarke plopped herself on the black suede chairs in the university library. It hadn't been a good week for her. The biology textbook in front of her was bigger than her head and almost as thick. Beside it lay her pages and pages of notes. She was tempted to grab everything and burn it. But then she would have to face the wraith of a certain tiger mum Abby Griffin. She groaned. When would she  finally be able to leave this goddamn place....(it wasn't like you needed to know the innards of a fish to perform surgery anyway.... )  
But don't get her wrong. Clarke loved going to Polis university. With all her wonderful teachers and friends and the amazing frat parties.  
Her phone buzzed in her pocket and Clarke fumbled for it, all too eager for a distraction.

Octopussy : Hey you'll wanna hear this. Boy have I got some news for you

Princess : Spill.

Octopussy : So Lincoln just texted me some big ass shit.

Octopussy : So Lexa's coming here. LEXA. HERE. TO POLIS UNI. SHE'S COMING TO POLIS.

Clarke dropped her phone, it clanging on the table. She received several glares from students around her.

Lexa had left DC high during their junior year without a single goodbye. It had taken Lexa another month to respond to Clarke's messages and tell her that she wouldn't be back, leaving Clarke broken. Clarke had felt her heart slowly crumble away, month after month, her calls with Lexa getting shorter and shorter, most of them being Lexa rambling about her new girlfriend Costia.....that dratted Costia.  
(Clarke had felt a bitter tug in her heart every time Lexa mentioned Costia. It was nothing , Clarke said.)

And now Lexa was coming back. And Clarke didn't know how she was going to cope. She wanted to puke. Her phone vibrated again

Octopussy: Clarke r u ok?

Princess: I'm perfect :)

She should be. But part of her definitely wasn't. There was a niggly feeling in her stomach (something was definitely wrong) and Clarke hated it.

Her stomach was still fluttering three hours later when she walked into her class. Art. But as much as she loved art, Clarke couldn't concentrate today even if someone paid her to. Professor Kane cleared his throat and announced a new assignment.

"You all are to create an art piece, that would tell him, what inspires you everyday , what formed the basis of your world. What makes you tick."

(Clarke hates this so much. She hates the idea of being so dependent. She makes herself tick. She is the basis of her own world. As narcissistic as it is, she knows its true. )  
.  
.  
.  
Five hours later, she was still full blown pissed, flopping down onto her twin bed in her dorm.

"I don't know why you're so annoyed about this Clarkey.... Just bs this stupid assignment like you do all of them..."

A certain Raven Reyes lay on the bed across the room, face down in the pillow, muffling her words. She was still majorly hung over from last night.  The muffled voice spoke again.

"I guess you already know that Lexa's coming"

Clarke sat silently and waited for Raven to continue

"So um.. I kinda invited her to your party next week"

Clarke jolted up.  
"WHAT? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?"

Raven also sat up and groaned.

" Don't kill me. I just thought that you would want to see her."

"I will. When I want to. Not when YOU want me to." Clarke sighed in exasperation and flopped back down. "It's fine. It's ok "  
(it was far from ok).  
.  
.  
.  
It was still on her mind when she got coffee at the local Dropship cafe. The assignment had been long forgotten as she sat there thinking about Lexa  
(as much as she didn't want to admit it, she couldn't think of anything else)

"Clarke? You there?"

"mhm? " Clarke looked up from her frothy white coffee with marshmallows and into the concerned eyes of the 5 people staring at her in worried confusion

"you haven't said anything for like 15 minutes. What happened to our party animal griffin?" Jasper asked, perched on the rickety cafe chairs.

"Maybes she's lost her vibe" Murphy said, his signature wide smirk on his face.

"You'd better not have lost your game griffin, we're hitting up Monroe's tonight." Raven taunted from the other side of the table, her lips curving into a cocky grin.

"wElL aCtUaLLy party animal griffin has her midterms in a week and she has a whole textbook to get through", Clarke grumbled, downing the rest and the coffee in a gulp and glancing around unintentionally death glaring at any unfortunate soul that happened to look her way.

One of them happened to be none other than Lexa Woods.


	2. 99 problems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oOft idk where this story is going yet so it's a bit messy and the updates are really short but I'll try to update often. Enjoy!!

 

At that moment, Clarke had 99 problems. And 98 of them were because of the 5'7 of _Lexa_ in front of her. The other one was that she was extremely thirsty. (which thinking about it may have also been because of Lexa)

Since junior high, it seemed that Lexa had finally gone through the growth spurt Clarke had been promising her since middle school.

She had lost all her remaining baby fat and her cheekbones were showing. Her hair had gone from this mousy straggly mess to these chestnut brown waves. And her legs.

Those legs. Clarke felt her eyes slowly creeping down that body, back up that black leather jacket and met Lexa's eyes.

Her eyes seemed to be the only unchanged thing about her. They were still the same shade of forest green. And although the rest of her face was set in a stone cold poker face, her eyes flickered around, with the same sort of awkward nervousness she had three years ago. Clarke immediately looks back down at her scuffed Converse.

"Hello Clarke" Lexa takes a step forward.  
Clarke can't bring herself to look up. Because if she does, she might never be able to look away again. But to be honest, the only thing she wants right now is to lose herself in Lexa's eyes and give her the biggest hug in the world. And then scream at her for leaving afterwards.

"Clarke." Lexa takes a cautious step closer and Clarke still doesn't move.

"I'm sorry. I never meant to have to leave you." Lexa whispers, so low under her breath Clarke isn't sure she heard her.

But she did and she felt the first tear trickle down her cheek. And then the second and the third and then she couldn't keep count anymore. A choked sob came out of her throat and she turns away.

  
She looked up at the peeling beige paint of the ceiling and swallowed hard. She had never thought that love was ever weakness, but for the first time, she was starting to doubt herself. The tears started to come out in a steady flow and all Clarke wanted to do was collapse on the floor and cry.

  
She began to step towards the door, feeling everyone's eyes on her but the Lexa's arms tentatively wrapped around her for the first time in three years. And Clarke just couldn't find the strength in her heart to push her away. (she would never admit that she had spent countless nights dreaming about this moment). She felt so amazingly _Lexa._ There was nothing else like it. Clarke sniffed turned around, burying her head into Lexa's neck, breathing in the scent that was so undeniably _Lexa_. (Clarke almost forgets why she thought love was weakness).

Lexa mumbles sweet nothings into Clarke's ear until Clarke's breathing is back to a semi normal pace. Then Clarke finally lets go and says

"I want to know everything"

Lexa nodded at Clarke's words and stands up.

"okay."

Then the two of them realised that there were a cafe of people staring at them. Including 5 of Clarke's friends. Who all promptly rush forward to glare at Lexa and drag Clarke away.

Lexa sighs solemnly and gives Clarke a nod.  
('imsorryimsorryimsorry' her eyes seem to say)

Clarke looks back from between Raven and Bellamy's arms. But Lexa is gone again and Clarke feels like she's breaking all over again.


	3. One hell of a tragic love story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I decided to have Clarke dating Finn, because I did want him as a big part of the story and also Clarke deserves love. :)
> 
> Leave me some kudos and comments if you want!! It makes my day!! 
> 
> Also one more thing, it'd be great if you could all comment why you want Lexa to have left. I've got an idea but I'm not sure if I want to use it.
> 
> Enjoy!!

Clarke looked up from her essay for the first time in three hours and sighed.

She knew it wasn't healthy to be flooding herself in this much work. But if she stopped, she would see the green eyes in her head. The ones she had told herself 3 years ago she would never forgive. This was unacceptable. She was dating Finn, even though he was off doing some internship of some sort at the moment. (but thinking of someone else isn't really cheating is it)

She slunk her eyes to check on Octavia. Yep she was still asleep. Good. There was no way Octavia would approve of her doing shit like this to Finn (even though Clarke wasn't actually doing anything suspicious). Clarke picked up her phone and brought up her contacts. _Lexa._ The last time they had texted was more than a year ago. Lexa's contact picture was still the same picture that Clarke had been lucky enough to get of Lexa sleeping 5 years ago.  
.  
.  
.  
_Clarke had gotten back to her house after her shift helping out at the hospital to a seemingly empty house. She had run upstairs to get her sketchbook and walked into the living room, ready to watch netflix and doodle a little._

_But the first thing she saw when she walked in was a small bundle of Lexa curled up on the couch. Unconsciously, Clarke began to smile at the sight and pulled out her phone to take a quick picture of the rare sight before pulling up a chair and sitting across the couch. She began to hum and opened up her sketchbook._

_She considered drawing flowers. Or a city. Or anything. But her eyes kept quirking up to look at the sleeping beauty in front of her and Clarke began to sketch. It had maybe been about 25 minutes and Clarke had finished most of the drawing when Lexa moaned and tossed over. Clarke had almost jumped up at the unexpected noise and went back to drawing. And then a few minutes later, Lexa gasped, out of breath and jolted up. Clarke had immediately rushed over, a soothing hand over Lexa's back and a soft cooing voice she only reserved for Lexa and her favourite of her mother's patients._

_"Hey. hey. You're safe. It's ok. Everything's OK."_

_"She left me Clarke, she left me." Lexa sobbed out in between shaky breaths. Clarke pulled Lexa tight and squeezed her. (she would have never said she was glad that dratted Ontari had left Lexa) Lexa deserved better than this. Than to be left heartbroken by that stupid girl. They stayed like that for what seemed like ages until Lexa finally pulled herself together and put on a brave poker face. That then turned to curiosity and awe._

_Clarke almost jumped off the couch when she realised that her drawing of Lexa had fallen onto the floor. And that Lexa was moving towards it and staring at it almost entranced._

_"it's nothing. I was just..." Clarke felt her words trail off and saw Lexa looking at her as if she was pure magic_

_"it's beautiful. it's so beautiful clarke." and then Lexa let out a laugh, her voice still husky from crying. (clarke thinks this is the most beautiful sound she has ever heard)._

_"I suppose it's kind of narcissistic to call a drawing of myself beautiful."_

_And the Clarke turned to face Lexa and put her hands firmly on sharp shoulders._

_"You are. Beautiful that is. You're the most beautiful girl in the grade."_

_A blush started to creep onto Clarke's cheeks as she glanced shyly into Lexa's eyes, still puffy and a bit red from crying, waiting for a reaction._

_" you really think so? "_

_" yes. definitely. "_

_And at that moment if anyone was watching, they would have seen that it was the first time the two 15 year olds fell just a little bit in love with each other._  
_._  
_._  
_._

Clarke looked up from her phone, took a shaky breath and dumped the phone back on the bed beside her and continued her essay. A word swirled around her mind over and over again

Weakness.

Weakness.

Weakness.

And Clarke was still whispering it when she fell asleep, haunted by green eyes and soft skin.  
.  
.  
.  
Three hours later, Clarke was asleep, and Octavia crept over and grabbed Clarke's phone, wanting to listen to music. Lexa's contact popped up on the screen as soon as she turned the phone on and Octavia stared for a minute, before putting down the phone and from her cross legged position on her bed, she looked at the sleeping girl on the other bed with a sort of pity, and thought to herself

_this is gonna be a hell of a tragic love story._


	4. The sun came crashing down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok i officially have completely lost track of what i'm writing about and yes i am terrible at this :P so i present you with a longer chapter while i get my life together.... Also yes i know Flarke is annoying af but its a huge part of the plot in a chapter or two

Clarke's party on Friday was rolling closer and closer and every single day that passed, she got more stressed and short tempered.

Noone said too much about it. They all more or less knew it was because Lexa was back. Then on thursday afternoon, Murphy made the dreaded mistake of speaking.

Clarke had been sulking the whole study session and honestly Murphy was sick of it.   
" Will you please just fucking leave if you're going to keep on dampening our moods? It sucks."

To which Clarke pursed her lips, grabbed her books and marched out the library with fire in her eyes. And once again she happens to see a certain pair of green eyes. Which makes her freeze for a second. Before she walks as fast as can to her dorm block.

"Clarke! Wait up! I'm sorry. Can we talk?"

And so she cocked her head around, expecting to see Lexa but instead a puffing Octavia stood.

"Walk with me? Just let me grab my stuff from the library." Clarke considers just ignoring Octavia and heading straight for the dorms but she knows Murphy was right. She's literally a fucking energy draining black hole.

And so she waits for Octavia, jittery, not wanting to bump into Lexa. (even though deep down, she really wishes she could).

"ok. I'm back. Now please tell me what's up" Octavia nudges Clarke forward and they begin a slow work to the dorm.

"I dunno."

"Is it about a certain someone?"

Octavia is being more cautious with her words than normal, Clarke thinks. She must be worried.

"I dunno."

"Clarke we're never going to get anywhere with this talk if you don't try to answer me."

"Lexa," Clarke mumbles under her breath, feeling exposed. "it's lexa."

"Aren't you glad she's back?"

"I guess. I don't know. Kinda."  
(Clarke really wasn't glad. Lexa here meant a lot of emotions she had only just gotten over.)

And so the two girls walked in silence until Octavia stops and drags Clarke to a stop too.

" Do you love her?" Octavia asks, with a look of almost understanding in her eyes.

"Yeah I guess. We were best friends.." Clarke replies, even though she knows what Octavia is really asking. Octavia shakes her head. They keep walking in silence.

"Were you in love with her?"

Clarke doesn't reply. She's not in love with Lexa. She's in love with Finn.

"Are you still?"

And then they reach their dorm and Clarke practically dives into the bathroom and locks the door. She slides to the floor and buries her head in her arms.

Octavia gives the closed door a pitying glance and sits down on the floor. They stay like this for hours it feel like.

"I don't know", a small voice comes from the bathroom. "I don't know if I am. But I know I shouldn't be. I love Finn. He's my boyfriend. " (It was a flimsy excuse but it seemed to be the only one Clarke had."

"Okay. That's ok Clarke. "

They both sit there for even longer, but the silence isn't awkward any more, it's filled with understanding and then Clarke unlocks the door and Octavia stands up.

"I don't know what I'm going to do"  Clarke says, feeling like a child facing a big monster.

"We'll figure it out. We always do."   
.

.

.

At 3pm on Friday, a frantic Clarke Griffin practically sprinted out of her Modern history class to get to the dorms. She had barely gotten out of the classroom when she felt a strong arm pull her aside.

"Hey princess. Did you miss me?"

Finn Collins looked down at Clarke. His wavy brown hair was swaying in the wind and his skin was a few shades tanner than before.

"Finn! You're back!"

Clarke grinned, giving her boyfriend a quick kiss and pulling him into a firm hug. It felt so safe and a lot like home. (it wasn't anywhere as good as Lexa's hugs though, she couldn't bear to admit).

Lexa.

Lexa.

Lexa.

She felt a wave of guilt rush through her as she hurriedly pulled away from the hug. Cupping his face in her hands, Clarke pushed away all the stupid thoughts and smiled.

Her boyfriend was back and that's all that mattered. Finn had been off doing some sort of internship in Miami and he smelt like salt water and coconuts. He smelt like heaven. (except Clarke couldn't help but think that Lexa smelt like heaven too)

"I wish I could stay, but I have a party to get ready for. Would you like to be my knight in shining armour and come with me? Come over to our dorm at 9 "

"You know I'd do anything for you princess. Besides I've been gone so long I need to do a little extra to get back in your good books." With his signature cheeky grin and a kiss, Finn left Clarke on her way..

.

.

.

Raven flopped down on a bed with a over dramatic sigh.

" I'm tired already. Why don't you continue? Besides i don't actually live here so I don't give a single damn what gets destroyed. Well, apart from that photo of me on your bedside drawer. That needs to stay safe. I look pretty damn good in that, but then again i always do."

Clarke rolled her eyes and shot a evil smirk at Raven,

"Yes, i'm pretty sure that photo of you is going to be grinning at anyone who decides to have sex on my bed, so that's good. It'll scare everyone off."

"Shut up. You know you love me."

"You know it's only because you supply me with free alcohol."

"Screw you Clarke"

"Mhm love you too Ray Ray. Also Finn came back today."

"He did? You must be happy."

Clarke continued to scurry around their huge dorm (courtesy of a very eager Abby Griffin sending Clarke off to study medicine), picking up anything that could be smashed or used in less than innocent acts.

"I am. It's great news isn't it?"

(Clarke felt like she was lying, but she wasn't, was she?)

"We have a full high school reunion, what with Lexa also being here."

There was only one thing a high school reunion meant.

Spin the bottle.   
.   
.   
.

Clarke nervously did a twirl and then faced the very amused looking Octavia and Raven.

"Is this okay?"

Clarke tugged at her navy shirt, the neckline dipping just far enough to show off a bit of cleavage. She wore a pair of black jeans and her hair was tussled a bit, from all the changing.

"I don't know who you're trying to impress honestly. Finn has seen you sick, without makeup and wearing a banana pajama set. I really don't think you're fooling him.", Raven piped up, while looking at her phone. Octavia, who was lying next to her grinned a little.

Clarke was so whipped.   
.   
.   
.   
Finn showed up at 8:55, as the sun was crashing down onto the nearby forest. It looked like everything was burning down slowly. Clarke couldn't help but kind of relate.

Finn had brought along a bottle of vodka and shot glasses. He was literally the urban dictionary definition of a perfect boyfriend. Clarke gave a kiss and wondered what she did to deserve him.

Five minutes later, people started to flood into the rooms. There was a reason why so many people showed up at these parties. Party animal griffin had the best drinks and the biggest living space probably on the campus. Familiar faces started to trickle in through the crowd.

Monty and Jasper. Monroe. Murphy. Harper. Maya.  _Lexa._

Then a few moments later Raven and Octavia carried in a few cartons of beer.

Clarke thanked whatever gods were there and grabbed a beer, opening it with a hiss. There was no way she was going to survive this night sober.   
.   
.   
.   
Four hours later, people were slowly leaving and the rooms were getting quieter. Raven drunkly ushered people for the moment Clarke was dreading.

Spin the bottle.

She took a shot of vodka and then hopped down onto the ground sitting in a circle with 10 other people.

There was Finn, Bellamy, Octavia, Raven, Jasper, Monty, Monroe, Lexa and two of her friends who introduced themselves as Anya and Lincoln.

Clarke began to inspect them. They kind of looked like a gang, what with their leather jackets and boots. She drunkenly grinned, her mood strangely better as Raven places an empty beer bottle on the floor.

"So why don't we let out newcomers go first? Anya, care to start?"

The girl shrugged, leaning into the middle and gave the bottle a hard spin. The bottle did five full rotations.

_1 Clarke wondered how the hell Lexa's friends are all so hot_

_2 Clarke wonders if she'll end up kissing Lexa_

_3 Well it's a one out of ten chance_

_4 Clarke begged the gods that she wouldn't get Lexa_

_5 She begged to gods she would get Finn._

The bottle stops and lands on Raven. The boys ooh at the prospect of two girls kissing and Clarke gives the ones next to her playful smacks.

Raven stands up and makes the bold move of actually straddling Anya, before their lips meet and they start to make out, with tongue and all.

Octavia frowns and looks away. Clarke doesn't miss the look on the younger girls face and goes to drag Anya and Raven apart before it gets explicit.

The boys boo her and Clarke shrugs, "I don't know about you but I don't really want to see Raven have sex on my bedroom floor."

Lincoln goes next and it lands on Bellamy. They both chuckle, their laughs rumbling in their chests, before leaning in and giving each other a big smooch on the lips. Everyone laughs.

Then Lexa goes.

Clarke watches the bottle spin and the world seems to slow down.

1

2

3

The bottle slows to a stop. Clarke looks up and sighs.

It's landed on Jasper.

Clarke doesn't know if she's relieved or disappointed. She was kind of expecting a watt pad story cliche and what not. She watches a overly eager Jasper bounce his way over to Lexa like a overexcited preteen and kiss her. Everyone rolls their eyes when Jasper pulls away, his face red and set in a satisfied grin.

Clarke closes her eyes and spins the bottle. First time around it lands on herself. Raven squeals and says the person it lands on gets a seven minutes in heaven. It was like middle school all over again.

Clarke spins it again

It lands on Finn.

She kind of wants to cry inside. This was so perfectly set up she's starting to believe Raven can read her thoughts and rigged the bottle.

Clarke cant help the major disappointment. She kind of expected to get Lexa. I mean, things like this always happened in fan fictions so why not her?

She stood up with Finn and they headed for the bathroom. She sees dark green eyes cautiously glancing at her as she goes in.

Everyone awws and ahhs at the perfect couple and Lexa sits, feeling confused. She had missed so much.

.

.

.

Clarke meanwhile, is sitting on the bathroom counter as Finn peppers her neck with kisses.

Finn smiles and whispers "I missed you"

Clarke just pulls him closer in response and nudges him to continue.

"I missed you too Le-"

Clarke gasps.

_What the hell was she thinking?_

She pushes Finn onto the toilet in her panic and he looks up in concern.

"We don't have to do this tonight if you don't want to."

Clarke breathes out and composes herself.

"I'm sorry. I just didn't want to get carried away in a bathroom. With eight people on the other side of the door." 

Finn smiles reassuringly and grabs her hand.

"It's fine Clarke. Let's go."

She couldn't help but feel guilty again.


End file.
